Saratoga's Bathrooms, Ranked
25 places to go...or not to go. PLUS: Two new Broadway boutiques, our upcoming issue release party, and the Tang exhibit you don't want to miss.
When coming up with story ideas for Saratoga Living After Hours, Abby and I usually land on topics that will be of interest to certain audiences: longtime SPAC concert-goers, Capital Region foodies, the Saratoga social set, etc. Even with a Substack newsletter as locally focused as ours, it’s hard to appeal to everyone. While we came pretty close to doing just that with our story on the five worst Saratoga intersections, not everyone drives a car. But, I think we’ve done it today, folks. Because in the wise words of children’s book author Tarō Gomi, everyone poops.
The list that follows is the product of weeks of conversations with Saratogians who aren’t afraid to go in public places. One local even went so far as to ask for specification when I polled him on his favorite and least favorite bathrooms in the Spa City: “What am I trying to do, theoretically?” he asked. “Pee, poop, throw up or [make out]?”
While I won’t go into as much detail as that question suggests (I pray to God you’re only doing the first one in public, for all our sakes), I will undoubtedly share some slightly indecorous anecdotes. Of course, this list is nowhere near comprehensive—#25 is the worst in town, and #1 is the best in town, but in reality there are many more than 23 bathrooms in between. Feel free to put bathrooms I missed, and where they should rank, in the comments. Either way, read on…because urine for a treat.
Note: While many on this list are daytime establishments, a healthy amount of the following bathroom experiences take place in the wee hours of the morning during peak season and may not be representative of the state of the bathrooms on, say, a Wednesday afternoon.
25. Dango’s
To me, part of the Dango’s experience is enduring the never-ending bathroom line that snakes its way up the stairs from the patio during the height of summer. (Or seeing the line and going around back to the secret bathroom only regulars know about.) But even my Dango’s soft spot couldn’t keep the bar from the very bottom of this list, given what I’ve heard about the men’s bathroom (“it’s vile”) and especially after they literally removed the stalls from the women’s bathroom. There are no words. Actually there is a word, though I most certainly didn’t come up with it. (It’s one letter off from battleships.)
24. Saratoga City Tavern
Anyone who knows me knows I would never talk sh*t (no pun intended) about the Tavern, its five floors or its outspoken first-floor bartender. But—and I mean this in the nicest way possible—the bathrooms are terrible. There aren’t enough of them, the lines are long, there’s never soap, there aren’t toilet paper holders…need I go on?
23. Desperate Annie’s
Saratoga’s favorite dive bar may not be the worst bathroom in town, but it’s definitely one of the most talked about. “I’d much rather not wash my hands because I know my [insert body part here] is cleaner than that sink,” one Saratogian told me. “There’s some history in that bathroom,” someone else said. “The DA’s bathroom is exactly what you expect it to be,” yet another person said. “If the bathroom is nice in a dive bar, that means someone made the bar grungy.” There’s no debate: DA’s—and its bathrooms—are grungy all on their own.
22. Clancy’s
I admit that I don’t have first-hand experience with the Clancy’s restroom—I’m basing this ranking off a friend’s word about one particularly unfortunate experience: “Absolute dumpster fire in there.”
21. Gaffney’s
One response I got from a lot of men when I asked what their least favorite bathroom was: “Does Gaffney’s still have the trough?” While we can confirm that the trough is indeed gone, we can’t say much else…Has anyone actually been to Gaffney’s in the last year? I’m ranking it #21 because I know how bad it used to be (water on the floor, no toilet paper, etc.) and can only assume it’s gotten at least slightly better since then.
20. Tin & Lint
This is another bathroom you expect to be grungy. And when you walk through the saloon doors—yes, saloon doors—you won’t be disappointed.
19. Harvest & Hearth
With this pick we’re getting out of the category of “bad bathrooms” and into the realm of “average bathrooms with a quirk.” In the case of creekside pizza place Harvest & Hearth’s bathroom, that quirk is, according to one Saratogian, the unfortunate scent of sulfur.
18. Saratoga Coffee Traders
Coffee Traders is another place I hate to knock—literally. But the single-stall bathroom behind the shelves of classic candy doesn’t have a vacant/occupied indicator lock. So while you have privacy, you might have people trying to break in, or worse: knock. (Does anyone really know what to say when they’re caught off guard by a knock with their pants down?)
17. Triangle Diner
Triangle Diner’s offense, as told to SLAH by a particularly design-minded Saratogian? Baby blue tile from the ’70s.
16. FedEx
Yes, you read that right. Apparently, the FedEx Office Print & Ship Center on Congress Street is a hidden gem of a bathroom. “You never have any competition there,” one Saratogian told me. It’s only in the 16 spot, though, because there’s really not much opportunity to use it.
15. Pint Sized
Where the Pint Sized bathroom falls on your own personal ranking depends heavily on how tall you are. You may have to duck to actually enter, but inside you’ll find a bathroom with some character.
14. Bailey’s
With only two stalls, the Bailey’s bathroom line does get long. While it’s not always spotless, it’s fairly clean, and, from my experience, girls are just nicer in the Bailey’s bathroom. Bonus: If you are a member of the mug club, the hooks in the bathroom double as a handy drink holder.
13. Tap & Barrel
Coming in at the direct middle of the pack is Tap & Barrel, an unoffensive option when Mother Nature calls on Caroline Street. It’s usually clean, and the line usually moves quickly. “I’ve left Gaffney’s, gone to Tap & Barrel and come back,” one regular told me. “If you already have a stamp, they’ll even let you skip the line and go in the lower-level door.”
12. Soundbar
Soundbar was a tough one to rank, thanks to mixed reviews. “Soundbar’s bathroom is pretty nice,” my friend told me. “Many mirror pics have been taken in the women’s bathroom there.” But—and this is a big but—there’s no mirror in the men’s bathroom. “What are they supposed to do, just assume they look OK?” my friend said upon hearing this news. “Maybe that’s why the guys always look weird.”
11. Lucy’s
Like Tap & Barrel, Lucy’s is another good option for when you need to go late-night downtown. “You may have to wait in line, but you get privacy on Caroline,” one Saratogian says about the single-stall bathroom. You’ll also have reading material: the walls are covered in chalk. The “Send the drunk text” sign next to the sink also speaks to me.
10. Ben & Jerry’s
This is another bathroom I can’t say I’ve visited, but I know at least one Bailey’s staff member runs over to use it when the line at the bar gets out of hand. He says it smells like waffle cones.
9. Walt & Whitman
Walt Cafe and Whitman Brewing’s shared bathroom is always clean and fully stocked, but it’s the restroom’s character that landed it in the top 10 of this list. First of all: black toilets. Enough said. Second, instead of paint or wallpaper, the walls are lined, in true Saratoga Race Course degenerate gambler fashion, with Pink Sheets.
8. Hampton Inn
Here’s another wild card, brought to us by the wife of the guy who told me about the FedEx bathroom. “It’s near the farmers’ market, and they don’t stop you,” she told me. “And they have sanitary napkins.” There, her husband jumped in: “Well, I can’t speak to that.”
7. Hamlet & Ghost
Hamlet & Ghost is an instance of a single-stall bathroom done right. The place isn’t big enough to require more than two bathrooms, and you always know when someone’s in there, thanks to the indicator above the handle. No awkward knocking required.
6. Putnam Place
And the award for biggest bathroom comeback goes to Putnam Place. “The last time I was here, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom,” I overheard someone say at a recent event there in a tone of voice that made it clear that they weren’t actually using the bathroom. Now, the nightclub/live music venue/event space has a handful of tall stalls, all of which have the occupied indicators. “Putnam Place honestly slaps,” my friend told me.
5. The Horseshoe
Like Putnam Place, the Shoe is this high up on the list because its restroom options are both better than you’d expect and better than what it used to be. In the summer, they bring in those nice bathroom trailers and put them right next to the patio area. Not only are they clean—they’re also decorated, according to one Saratogian, who says he always comments on the artwork while using the urinal: “Imagine being Deborah Schenck.”
4. Stewart’s Shops
There’s certainly nothing flashy about the Stewart’s bathrooms, but they do have one thing going for them: They’re there when you need them. “The #1 for reliability in a crisis is Stewart’s,” one local told me. “This doesn’t necessarily mean clean or enjoyable—just reliable.”
3. Prime at Saratoga National
Prime’s bathroom is definitely solid. The stalls are part of the building—and therefore have no risk of being inexplicably taken down—providing for maximum privacy in a multi-stall setting. There’s also a much-appreciated shelf in each stall for your drink. The reason it’s only #3? Because the men’s room has TVs and the women’s room doesn’t. And I’m salty about it.
2. The Adelphi Hotel
The Adelphi’s bathroom is another top-tier spot to both use the bathroom and take mirror selfies. “The stall doors have a very satisfying feeling of closing and it’s always clean,” one Saratogian said. But there are some caveats: The paper towels pale in comparison to those in the #1 Saratoga bathroom, and according to another slightly unkempt Saratogian, the bathroom there feels gate-kept. “I feel like they do a visual credit check every time I walk in,” he said. “They won’t say anything, but their eyes say everything I need to hear.”
1. Cantina
You probably could've guessed this one. Cantina was the overwhelming favorite for its floor-to-ceiling stalls and ultra-lux paper towels. And it’s no accident: One Cantina regular referred to owner Jeff Ames as “a god when it comes to hospitality” who follows the four main tenets of the industry religiously: bathrooms, lighting, atmosphere, music (aka BLAM). The only downfall? It’s in the basement, so when you’re on the rooftop, you have to travel three (!) stories to get to it. Alas, nothing in this world—not even the Cantina bathroom—is perfect.
—Natalie
Quote of the Week
“I have to say, I f***ing love this place. Don’t get me wrong—it’s hot as f*** and I’m sweating in a series of unmentionable places, but I still f***in’ love this place. Every time we play here y’all come out. and show the f*** up.”
—Counting Crows frontman Adam Duritz at the band’s Wednesday night show at SPAC
Shop ‘til You Drop
The last few weeks have brought two new shopping opportunities to downtown Saratoga. The first is Bobbles & Lace, a New England–based franchise that opened its first New York store in the old Toga Heritage space on July 1 and carries women’s clothing, shoes and accessories. The second is the second location for Latham’s Bella V Boutique, a store that carries stylish women’s clothing and also provides local styling and closet organization services. Find Bella V in the former location of Piper Boutique.
Save the Date
Our “The Races!” Issue release party is coming to Panza’s Restaurant on July 25! There’ll be heavy hors d’oeuvres by Panza’s, wine and Prosecco by Freixenet, and guests will have the opportunity to meet the cover star of our next issue! (Hint, hint: she’s a Saratoga horse racing icon.) Tune in to Saratoga Living’s social media on Tuesday for the big reveal of the new edition, or upgrade your SLAH subscription to get a first look at the cover and exclusive behind-the-scenes intel on how the issue came together on Monday.
The Calm Before the Storm
Here’s a reminder for anyone else who lost track of time and can’t believe it’s already July: This is the last weekend before the masses descend on Saratoga for the double whammy of the track opening on Thursday and Dave Matthews concerts on Friday and Saturday. Go drive downtown and park while you still can.
Last Chance
You have until next Sunday, July 16, to check out Christine Sun Kim: Oh Me Oh My—an exhibition that explores how we experience sound currently on display at the Tang. Kim, whose first language is American Sign Language highlights the complexities of interaction between people using her own dryly humorous visual vocabulary and a variety of mediums. Check out what else is currently on display at the Skidmore museum here.
This Week in Saratoga Living After Hours
In honor of SPAC’s season being underway, we looked back at one Saratogian’s coming-of-age story, as told through a series of Live Nation concerts.