How to Make Friends in Saratoga
13 tips from the Spa City's most accomplished relationship-builders.
When I’m out and about with my friend Kate, I tell the story of how we met to everyone that will listen. In May of 2022, we both found ourselves at Social IRL, a post-Covid meet-up at Lucy’s Bar meant to introduce folks who knew each other from Instagram, but had never connected in real life (IRL). After chatting for a few minutes, I manned up (womanned up?) and asked a question that you don’t often hear beyond the confines of playgrounds and kindergarten classes: “Do you want to be friends?”
By nature of my job, I’m constantly meeting people with friend potential, and by nature of my personality, I have no shame in asking juvenile-sounding questions. So far, I’m 2 for 3 on asking people to be my friend; it worked on Spencer Sherry, but when I asked an acquaintance that I ran into at Night at the Brewseum last year, he said, “Let’s not force anything.” (A few months later, he asked me to play in a volleyball tournament with him, so there’s still hope for us.)
But most people aren’t payed to go out and socialize. “Between juggling the responsibilities of our careers, maintaining our physical health, and caring for our living spaces, making friends as an adult has most likely always been difficult,” says Stephanie Gengel, a Capital Region–based, board-certified psychiatric and mental health nurse practitioner who works with clients of all ages but has seen first-hand the struggle many young adults face when it comes to forming meaningful relationships. “I do believe, however, that in recent years these struggles have been further complicated by isolation, socio-political changes, and the replacement of face-to-face connection with social media.”
Many clients Stephanie sees report feelings of social anxiety, fears regarding rejection or embarrassment, and a hesitance to show vulnerability around others—all things that interfere with their ability to connect with others. And there’s data to back her up: According to a recent study, some 30 percent of adults say they experience loneliness once a week, while 10 percent say they feel lonely every day.
And even for those who don’t deal with social anxiety, there’s the struggle of finding people they actually want to be friends with.
“The older we get, I think a lot of us are picky about who we spend our time with,” says Jenna Clark, founder of Casa Volley, a volleyball-centric social club coming soon to Milton. “It's not just about making friends these days; for me, it's about making the right friends.”
Over the last few months, I’ve found myself surrounded by people who are putting themselves out there and doing the seemingly impossible: making real friends as an adult. Here’s how they’re doing it:
Join Something
Before you roll your eyes at what is probably the most common piece of advice for making friends, let me finish. Actually, never mind, that’s all I had to say, because getting involved works. Volunteer for a nonprofit (the Saratoga County Chamber of Commerce’s Pitch In initiative is a good place to start), sign up for a sports league (the pickleballers at Legacy Pickleball Club are awesome and the barrier to entry for pickleball is low), or join a club (Girls Upstate is a free social club for women, Saratoga Social Cycling just launched this week, and the Saratoga Living Insiders Club is a no-brainer, not that I’m biased or anything.)
Build a Community First
”Community is the first step to belonging,” says Jenna from Casa Volley. “And then from within that community, you'll most likely find a few people that you're like, ‘Wow, these people are awesome.’ And that's how it starts.” Looking for a ready-made community? Palette is offering 50 percent off memberships through the end of March.Show Up
Sure, you can join a community, but it won’t do you any good unless you actually show up to the get-togethers. After a long day of work, the last thing you may feel like doing is going for a run. But as a woman at a Saratoga Stryders workout told me, she’s never regretted going to one of the club’s weekly workouts—she’s only regretted not going.Step Outside Your Comfort Zone
If you put yourself in situations you’ve never been in before, you’re bound to meet people you’ve never met before. “My New Year’s resolution was to go to three events outside of my comfort zone—outside my normal routine—per month,” says RPI Assistant Dean Halley Choy. “Last month I tried out speed dating, and, funny enough, I actually came out with girlfriends that I now go to brunch and yoga with.”
Say Yes
If an acquaintance invites you to coffee, happy hour, or a birthday party, go. You never know who you might come into contact with. After meeting at a Saratoga PLAN fundraiser in 2023 and exchanging a few emails, retired lawyer Dick King went out on a limb and invited me to get a drink at Morrissey’s. Since then, we’ve happy houred many a time. We actually got lunch yesterday.“Our friend circles can always change, because we change as people. I've been a part of communities that don't serve me anymore because I don't drink as much. We’re always adapting and changing. And so I think that's the challenge: How do you find people that are going to align with you but also are there for you?”
—Jenna Clark, founder, Casa Volley
Go to Fundraisers
Asking me to drinks clearly wasn’t Dick’s first friend-making rodeo. He’s been making unlikely friendships for decades (when lawyer Kristina Weineke Lynch moved to Albany from Ireland, the first people she met on the Amtrak up from NYC were Dick and his wife, Gail—friends she’s kept to this day), and maintaining friendships for just as long. “One of the best ways to meet people in Saratoga is to attend charity fundraisers,” Dick says. “It’s easy to strike up a conversation when you’re perusing silent auctions or observing cocktail hour. And since the folks you’ll meet already have a shared interest, it’s almost inevitable that any conversation will move on to other ideas and concerns that folks are eager to discuss.”Find Common Ground
What Dick is talking about is finding common ground. But that’s something you can do without going to a fancy fundraiser. Just this week, Discover Saratoga’s Jessie House did my crossword puzzle in the new issue of Capital Region Living and shot me a text: “Are u a big tennis fan?? You have Coco Gauff and Andy Murray in the crossword!” Now, we have plans to hit at the Saratoga Spa State Park’s clay courts (which, may I add, also have a great community of local tennis players) this spring.Notice Things
In a similar vein, pay attention. It’s not enough to just show up—you then have to make a connection. “When I’m at social events, work, or even waiting in line at the grocery store, I am always looking for hints to strike up a conversation,” says Stewart’s Shops Senior District Manager John Howard, an acquaintance who recently struck up a conversation about skiing with me after seeing the IKON pass sticker on my travel coffee mug. “I look for things that might to lead to hobbies, passions, and personal expressions. Books they might read, the shoes on their feet, the stickers on their water bottles. Once I see a cue, I open the conversation and see how it goes.”
Send the DM
Adult loneliness is often blamed on social media, but if used correctly, it can be a great way to meet people. Just ask NYC transplant Ashley Salvadore, who met her friend, Massachusetts transplant Kyle Posson, on Instagram. “She was scrolling through the Toro Cantina Instagram account and liked a photo I took of a margarita (which feels ironic now because we run mocktail events in the Capital Region),” Ashley says. “She DMed me asking if I wanted to hang out. Since then, we’ve become so close. We know what it’s like to want to cultivate friendships as adults, which is part of why we created Mocktail Mommy. The meet-ups are perfect for ladies to show up solo and leave with new friends.” The next Mocktail Mommy meet-up? April 10 at Coat Room.Drink
If you’re more into cocktails than mocktails, drinking alcohol is a time-tested way to make friends. (Hey, I never said this was good life advice—just good friend-making advice.) “Go sit at the bar anywhere and talk to the bartenders,” says Spencer. “The service industry scene is very small and everyone that works in it is great. If you can become a regular somewhere, you’ll automatically meet some cool people.” Better yet? Day drink: I’ve met some of the friendliest people at Oktoberfests, Chowderfests, Keggz & Eggz…You get the idea.
Host Parties
According to the headline of a recent Atlantic article, Americans need to party more. Or, more specifically, they need to host parties more. While you might not make many new friends at a party you host (unless you tell your invitees to bring a guest), your party will most certainly introduce friends of yours who don’t know one another, and maybe inspire them to throw a party of their own, where you’ll meet people you didn’t know. If someone you like likes someone else, chances are, you’ll like that other person, too.Take Matters Into Your Own Hands
Can’t find the kind of community you’re looking for? Create it yourself. That’s what Jenna is doing with Casa Volley, which was inspired by a beach community she found in Mexico, and what Eleina Hinch did with Girls Upstate, a social club that hosts wellness-centric events for, well, upstate girls. Eleina, who moved to the US from the Philippines, found herself feeling lonely after a few close friends moved away. She met some new friends on a friendship app, and, with a background in social media, wanted to share her tiny community with more people. “The first event was literally in the basement of my friend’s apartment complex,” she says. “It was kind of sketchy, but 40-plus women showed up. They were like, ‘I took a risk on this, but I really wanted to see what it was all about, and I’m also looking for other friends right now.’ They took a chance on me, and it just kept going.”Try
To sum up the last 11 pieces of advice in one word: try. “The key is going out of your comfort zone, seeking events to go to even when your social battery is borderline dead, and not being afraid to spark drunk conversation with random people, because those random people could be your best friends someday,” says Sarah Griffiths, who recently moved here from Maine and who more recently was befriended by me at Chowderfest. It’s felt easier to make friends than I imagined, partly due to my ‘yes man’ attitude, but also due to the ample opportunities Saratoga provides. You mix day-drinking with an activity like Chowderfest, and it’s a recipe for a good time. Thankfully, we chose to live in an area like Saratoga, where making new friends is exciting rather than daunting.'“
—Natalie
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